You ain't a beauty but hey you're alright...

• 2011-04-16

  I have a heart to offer, but pardon the stitches, they’ve yet to fall out on their own.

• 2011-03-16

  It’s been a year of x’s marked off on my calendar since we became Ex’s. Since you cracked open the piggybank in my chest and pocketed everything you could cash in. Since you left less of me for someone else to disregard. 

• 2011-03-12

  Sometimes it all makes me so sad I think my rib cage is turning to dust inside me. But I just gotta smile and pretend to not be bothered by anything, what else is there to do? Sometimes I have to put a bite in my words, sometimes I have to make it hurt to keep myself safe. Mostly, I have to smile and live like it’s not fake. People pointed out the sadness on my face and I was embarrassed of my emotions. To keep on keeping on with frowns and sighs is pointless. At least in the farce, sometimes it starts to feel real. Sometimes it is real. Sometimes I am the happiest girl in the world. Sometimes, I am so sad I am not even part of this world. And they don’t know, they don’t know I am only a temporary citizen of this life. I am all alone in that knowledge.

• →

  If you knew the way I’ve been self-medicating, prescribing myself the darkest sleeps with triple doses and finding my place back once again at the bottom of a bottle. If my mother knew, if you knew. I’ve got it all in this blood, these genes I wear so well; the tragedy and addiction and self-infliction. I am falling once again. This is not who I am supposed to be. There are pages I find folded with grace in boxes beneath my bed, my potential indented in the words I wrote at seventeen and thought would be my saving grace. I wanted to tell the stories of the world. Too smart to think I’m not smart. I am floundering it all. I am lost and alone and have been left to drown here in the flood you started when you broke down all my damns.

• 2011-01-12

  mind fuck.

  The night sky is such a welcome, overbearing weight on my shoulders. Like the ocean, a reminder of the infinite expanses of this life and the finite, miniscule relevance of the problems that are constantly twisting my insides into sailors knots. The wind whispering in the towering trees that have been watching over this neighborhood long before dotted row homes and backed up traffic. They have been here since long before this boxed in expanse of grass and concrete became a graveyard of five childhoods rung dry. Fall is finally in the air, this weather making me long for new back to school sneakers and feeling like Halloween on my skin. The sky could swallow me into the dark, if gravity would just give. But I would rather be here.

• 2010-10-19

  Another round on the Northeast lifers. They’re gonna mess up my hair, they’re gonna remind me ‘you don’t even know the times we’ve had with your brother’. I love my boys and their accents, drunk tongues slipping over ‘youse girls’; keep us spinning in sloppy twirls. The dance floors got us going To the right, to the right, to the right, to the right. We’re just a little buzzed, we’re in love with the night.

• 2010-10-10

  We are all a mess of frayed wires and lose screws inside these locked up chests. I would like someone to open me up and figure out the science of what makes me operate.

• 2010-09-27

  How many mistakes could I possibly make? How many fuckups, muckups, drunkups can I fumble my way through? How many things can I ruin with my nervous hands and locked up heart? How many people can I kill with the venom on my defensive tongue?

• 2010-09-12

  The thing about your own unhappiness is this: you become addicted to it, comfortable with it. To be sad, and pessimistic and alone is taking the easy way out. There is nothing hard or brave about giving up on the world. Sadness is human and real, but at some point, you need to force that smile and feel how it makes your heart wake up. Go outside and feel the wind bite at the back of your neck and think long about how amazing this Earth and the way it works is. Watch your friends faces when they are laughing, the way their grins all stretch differently and lovely. Play with your dog and hug your little sister; you will remember what love is. Believing in the world is a risk, but saying fuck the world is quitting.

• 2010-09-11

  These people are my heart beat, each and every one of them completes the rhythm that is playing against my chest. They are the rush of blood in my ears against the pillow at night. They are the inhale and exhale that my lungs swallow up.